#tomorrow is gonna be so tiring bc of all the moving in
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what do you mean i go back to college tomorrow <///3
#[ļæ½ļæ½ļæ½ā rheya talks. š]#how did my summer end so quickly#and why tf am i so nervous about the semester starting#as if i havenāt been in college for three years now#ughhh#tomorrow is gonna be so tiring bc of all the moving in#so iām glad i have sunday to just relax in my apartment#but ugh school on monday???#completely and utterly disgusting.
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#ugh. im so tried. why is crying so exhausting? i havent done anything. this is bullshit#we went from a slow motion breakdown to full on freakout meltdown today#luckily no one was around in the lab this morning bc i couldnt stop crying#so i went to the counseling center and made myself their problem#canceled my committee meeting. which everyone tells me is fine. its all fine#think about going home for a while they say. maybe tell ur dad ur having a bad time thry say#but im so tired. and i dont kno what to do and its all falling apart#i just feel like im brushing up against the limits of what i can do intellectually and its like well where do i go from here?#what do i do with my old data? how do i move my project forward? whats the point of any of this?#why did i put myself in this position? would taking a leave even help? id still have to come back to the same mess#its just so frustrating bc theres no solution ill find satisfying. everything just sucks.#idk what my advisor even told my committee. bc we were supposed to meet tomorrow morning. ugh. it would have been so bad#it also sucks bc im so drained that i can just feel my own weight when im trying to talk to ppl#like u kno when ur being a wet blanket but u dont kno how to fix it. like srry my vibes r wretched. maybe im just stuck like this#i dunno. my dad invited us home for a week in july and also plans to come out to visit me in August. but that seems like a long time away#i dunno what im gonna do. what a disaster#unrelated
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google how do i tell my dad that the reason i keep bringing up elon musk's transphobia isn't that i've got gen z political tunnel vision that makes me blind to his "innovation" in electric cars but because i am desperately crying out for you as the father of a trans child to feel just as outraged and angry as i am that that man has so much power
#edit: warning the tags get pretty personal whoops. however tumblr is like a diary to me so. but if discussions of father issues arent for u#it's not anything he's directly said but like. when we talk about it i can tell he's clinging to this like#image of musk as this inventor working for the good of humanity#because he's admired him for a long time and like i get it it's hard to let go of your heroes when it turns out they're trash#but. he's always been trash. is the thing. and i've been saying this.#and it would be nice to feel some solidarity! or support! or empathy idk!#and not like. lectures why tesla is actually progressive or why spacex is the best thing to happen to science since fucking penicillin#and sometimes ppl who push the world towards progress rub people the wrong way#god like. we were in the car the other day talking about it and i mentioned tesla moving to texas bc of the law protecting trans kids#and he mumbled something like well sure yeah he said that but Really... really it's about the taxes......#okay!! who give a shit! that's not the point! the point is that he's got fucking legions of alt right fanboys who hang off his every word#so when he says something that is good for trans people is actually dangerous and bad and hurts kids#and when he openly publicly deadnames and misgenders and LIES about his TRANS DAUGHTER. it's fucking dangerous! and it makes trans people#(IE ME. YOUR CHILD.)#feel unsafe!#it should get you angry! it should make you rethink how you saw him previously! it should make you want to stop supporting him!#idk. i mean my dad has never been like. against me being trans. and he's worked really hard on the pronouns and not deadnaming me#but it's stuff like this where it feels like he doesn't grasp how he's de-prioritizing my perspective as a trans person and.#his Child.#and how his first reaction to me starting t was 'no.. why would you do that :('#it just feels bad. i love him so much but it's shit like this that makes me feel like i don't matter to him or like i'm disappointing him#and then he gets confused when i tell him that i feel that way#wow! sorry for this. i should get serious about finding a therapist i dont think i knew i felt all this until i typed it out#im gonna add a tag at the beginning of this. as a warning. lolololol. lol. anyway#got 2 pick up my t tomorrow and also email my dr for more wellbutrin haha slay! hit the slay button. dispenses ssris.#god i'm so tired sorry i'm delirious actually. also i saw my brother this weekend which was so nice and he's such a weirdo which also#makes me weirder by proxy
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ah shit only just realised its september now.... lets hope the rest of this month isn't like this.....
#just med shit innit. gonna force myself up at my usual work time even tho i have the day off bc I need to be in my routine or ill lose it#i am. very tired and very sad. and thats ok generally im ok ive been keeping myself so busy for weeks and weeks#and im glad im going out n doing shit often n meeting new ppl n trying to focus more on hobbies n get more on the life balance#but whenever i have a moment to stop i still get so sad. ik exactly why theyre all just old aches n wounds i dont want to wallow in them!!#lately its been well under control i only usually have one actual bad day a week and sometimes its not even a whole day#and the rest im.just busy and i dont know if im just avoiding things and its not satisfying being busy bc im still missing out needs#but i cant fulfil them so might as well stay busy and not think about it!!#and its okay its all okay im just so sad right now :-( but im going to sleep soon and then ill be busy tmr so i dont have to think abt it#i wanna ventpost abt it but also i dont rly want to bc findinf the words to talk abt the things distressing me involves thinking abt it#which will just.make me feel worse. and it wont resolve anything bc its all mostly outside of my control anyway just hurts innit#but im trying hard to make my life bigger than it was before even if its still shallow and not quite enough at least it covers more space#yeah yeah we all want to feel genuine connection and wanted and loved but life doesnt often work out like that so.#hands in your pockets player keep it moving. im goiny to brush my teeth and then rly need to go to bed zzzzz#.diaries#hope everyone else had a nice weekend i had a pretty good saturday at least. and played a lot of videogames today so could be worse#very glad i dont have work tomorrow as well thank u past me for booking it off ahh..
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btw what they dont tell you about socializing more & putting yourself out there more often is that after 3 days of doing so you will find yourself alone in your room in a perfect recreation of the family guy death pose
#yes i fully moved back into my dorm and started my sophomore year of college in the time its taken me to do the fucking ebony arc#dont worry about it im trying not to think about it its Fine#anyway aauauugfhoghofghiu i have been socializing so so so very much lately and it has been very fun but oooughaghuhg the consequenceiss#even just now i had to cancel on a movie night bc i can feel myself inching closer to burnout come onnnnn#yes this is a big jump from how i am normally but this is what i have been WANTING why am i TIRED !!!!!!!!#at the very least can my damn heart give me a break!!! shits supposed to be fixed but apparently that just means it caps at 170bpm now#which while obviously better than 190+bpm is still somewhat inappropriate for Walking Uphill And Nothing Else#im only on my second day of the semester man i have 3 classes tomorrow im gonna fucking die dude#(i have a doc appt in september its not serious dw. and also i think the adderall maybe is a good fit after all so thats cool. but AAAUGHGH#<- imagine the mournful caterwauling of the saddest wet cat you've ever seen in your life)
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#sry I need to vent more abt my tattoo pain bc I physically cannot do anything productive rn im completely and totally incapacitated#canāt read anything beyond short posts or texts. canāt eat or move at all#tried to sleep through it so it would at least Be Tomorrow so I can get medical help. but the jolts of pain make me like Jump#hence me being sent home from work early today like itās not even that I was complaining I was just flinching involuntarily so much#and was unable to work or function at all. thank god I donāt work retail rn I remember the pain of tattoo infections in that context#itās so Abrupt it feels like Iām being stabbed or repeatedly bitten#literally trying not to scream bc I have a roommate. but he almost certainly hears me crying and saying ouch#which sucks bc I barely know the guy lol he has no context. At least on my drive home I could scream as much as I needed#literally would go to the ER if I could afford it and that sounds so dramatic bc it is#it doesnāt feel like it can wait. genuinely donāt know how Iām gonna get through the night#I havenāt slept in like 60 hours and I doubt I will tonight. but it hurts too much to even tell if Iām tired#and I donāt have time for this!! I have so much I need to be doing. I hate that the only way I can have Time is to be Extra Disabled#in a way that leaves me completely unable to do the things I normally can fight through despite burnout#and I was just at health services yesterday asking them to do insurance paperwork that they couldnāt do#itās embarrassing having to be like hey I was just there but can I come back#I have Another tattoo infection but I pinky promise I take such good care of them#and my artist is like the best of the best too. itās like it doesnāt matter what either of us does to keep me safe#and I know if anyone responds to this it will be to tell me to stop getting tattoos#but thatās literally like telling me not to get top surgery if Iām immunocompromised n might have recovery complications#both are equally important gender affirming medical procedures to me Iām not joking#and I hate always having to justify this whilst in agonizing pain. I hate answering the same things every time bc still no one believes me#I say this as someone who lives every moment in baseline pain that would have your average person writhing on the floor and I ignore it#this is truly unbearable if I hadnāt been through it a million times I would think it was life threatening#just needed to get it out ig. bc itās all I can physically do. until health services opens in 12 hours#PLEASE let them have availability tomorrow bc i have literally no option on weekends#this is just. so upsetting and embarrassing. I donāt have time or emotional capacity for this#personal#mine#vent post
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#alright these tags are super embarrassing but i needed to rant publicly so uh. you can read this but please don't perceive me too much#it is so fucking exhausting having nobody to share my life with#i have literally zero friends at this point bc ever since my grandpa died i've pretty much stopped trying to keep in touch with my hometown#friends and i cut off my 'friend' group that were racist assholes who treated me like a doormat back in october and haven't really made any#close friends at college since. and i just fucking hate that this is the same way i've felt for so many fucking years like you'd think it#would be bearable at this point and i'd be used to being alone and for a while i honestly was but it just hit me tonight how fucking lonely#i am and how tomorrow i have to keep on just doing the shit i have to do in life without anyone to talk to and share it with#other than my mom who's been pissing me off lately so i've been pushing her away too!#it's so tiring to have to go out and do things and have responsibilities everyday and not being able to share that with anyone idk it makes#it feel almost like i'm carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders which is SO dramatic i know#like today i wanted to talk about the stupid false alarm gas leak thing with my sort of friends in this club i'm in but i didn't get to talk#to anyone at the meeting bc everyone was just talking amongst themselves in their little groups of best friends and it just reminded me that#i don't have that and i've never fucking had that i've only ever pretended i had that#it's like all these years i've been pretending to be a person that has friends and knows how to live life normally but i never have#more than anything i just miss my friends from home bc they're the closest i've ever felt to having friends that are like family but. i#don't know how to talk to them anymore. i didn't tell any of them when my grandpa died and i think they just assumed that i've moved on so#they've probably moved on and i already know that they have their own lives and friends at their schools that are a lot more full than mine#wanna know the worst part about all of this? i just had therapy and basically told her everything's fine#and i won't meet with her again until 3 weeks from now so literally the only person i can talk to about this right now is my mom#which i am absolutely not gonna do bc she's gonna get so scared and worried for me and i can't have that rn#anyways yeah. this isn't even that big of a deal like i haven't had friends for at least the past 6 months it's not like anything's changed#i just feel extra sad about it right now. i need a distraction stat gonna go watch watch some tv goodnight#shut up hanna
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happy one year anniversary of My Mum Saying The Worst Part Of My Grandma's Funeral Was Not Burying Her But The Fact That I Was There And She Wished I Hadn't Gone To The Funeral At All to me
#(my mum forgot/moved on from this in like a month and has since pretended it never happened - so thats also fun)#personal#vent#so i guess it's kind fitting that this year im sat alone#crying#trying to work out whether my sister is gonna feel worse if i go to her bday thing or if i dont#and its all my fault because i dont drive#but theres no winning#i didnt look at trains bc my mum told my sister she would pick me up#then mum called and said she cant pick me up (i said this would happen last week)#so i tried looking up trains but theres a fucktonne of engineering works this weekend#and my sister is out this evening so i couldnt call them so i tried messaging to meet at theirs tmr morning to get a lift#and they just said they want tomorrow to be a nice chill day and that we can do something another time if im going to be stressed or grumpy#and now i cant tell if they dont want me there and just dont want to say or what#im just so tired of being unloveable and having to pretend like i dont notice or care that i am#(i guess at least this is happening now and not next week when i have a 2 day heart monitor#bc this would be fucking with those results)
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Chronic pain really got me going to bed before itās even dark out (also my little pink unicorn lights Millie got me look so cool in the second pic)
#my back and shoulder are killing me and Iāve done nothing but smoke weed and stretch and I just hurt so bad#so Iām gonna go to bed and hopefully feel better tomorrow#I work at nine again tomorrow so if anything hopefully going to bed early helps that#Iām excited to sleep hopefully a lot and hopefully really well bc 1) weed. 2) took sleepy cough meds to try and mooch extra pain reliever#out of meds in my cabinet. 3) took a back and muscle pain Aleve (even tho I hate taking pills and it took me like three whole min to get it#down my fucking throat. 4) tired from actually using my brain and anxiety from work tired#5) period tired and chronic pain tired#like guys my brain and my body are both exhausted and the idea of getting up tomorrow and doing any of it again makes me miserable and I did#nothing but sit at a computer for three and a half hours thatās itttttt#like doing two week road-trip then non stop either emotional or physical shit every day until my first day at work#like Iām already setting myself up for this to be the summer of the grind#gonna make a bunch of money (and spend too much and blame it on the summer time and needing a little treat every time I venture out into the#heat or work a day or do anything at all) and then save a bunch all fall winter spring and once it gets colder and I feel like I can handle#my job more I want to focus on how to make moving out happen. like I need to figure out if maybe thereās somewhere I want to live that has#an Office Depot I could transfer to cause office depots are everywhere and maybe thatās an added way for me to figure out where I want to#move#hmmm okay Iām gonna lay in bed on google maps looking at Office Depot locations in New England and Iām just gonna daydream and try to fall#asleep and Iāll look at / add to my Pinterest board of house and apartment inspo#going to think about the future because I want to live !!!!#anyways yeah this is the summer of being miserable and spending all my money on bullshit and daydreaming and disappointing my mother#and also the summer of my weed tolerance doubling forever until Iām back to smoking constantly to the point where Iām making myself sick and#then Iāll get sick of smoking weed for a bit and thatāll lead me into saving money again#or force me into a tolerance break where I stop buying weed#either way Iām going to smoke all summer itās gonna be weed and sweat and fresh fruit and laying in my room during all of my days off and it#itās gonna suck and Iām gonna be thinking about my dad the whole time and itāll be depressing and isolating and lonely and Iāll come out of#the summer recentered and motivated towards big goals again like I always am#and then Iāll crash and burn next spring as always. cycles continue forever thank u seasonal depression.#I want to grow up and mature in the ways I deal with myself my health and advocating for my mental health I feel like I need to grow up a#bit so I hope I do that and it feels good. I hope I make friends and I can daydream about the future every night and my room will smell like#weed and incense and sweat and love and tears and it will be incredible
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MARIII HOW ARE YOU ššš
ELLIEEE <333 I AM SO UNFORTUNATELY INSANELY BUSY ššš
#flourish!#IM SO TIRED MY BACK HURTS FROM BEING HUNCHED OVER ALL THE TIME#so karasucore of me (real)#im packing my stuff bc my parents are gonna help me & my roomie move out of the dorms tomorrow and i wanna have things all ready to go
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autism is the best disease bc i spent over an hour staring at nothing 20 in my car 40 in bed while crying bc my mom made herself a victim over me saying oh my god to the fact she blocked off my door with SEVERAL heavy items while i was at work and then got mad at me for saying oh my god in shock and we had a blow out fight again anyway autism is awesome cause you know what helped? sharing all the spider man facts iām learning from this encyclopedia
#personal#disorder yes disease sounds funnier#no my moms cleaning for my brother coming home tomorrow#but i get home see stuff rearranged and im like oh okay and see lots of furniture moved so im bout to ask hey have you drank water/gatorade#bc my mom gets dehydrated bad bc she doesnāt fucking drink#and i like to check in before sheās screaming thinking sheās gonna die at 4 am due to extreme dehydration#anyway iām walking up the hallway to my room then BAM. a cd case a bin full of stuff a door hanging storage thing#wooden boards like a bunch of shit literally blocking my door completely so iām upset and im like mama why#bc she never thinks about the fact i live here when she does her little projects#like things blocking my door when iām in the house or not or the hallway to get out also blocked all the times#how often i beg her to just please not leave her shoes in front of my door bc i keep tripping over them#or just using all the space in the bathroom. like why is there a lamp#blocking me from peeing#anyway all her projects usually fuck me so iām like mom why#sheās like donāt start iām so tired stop it and just#i donāt know the way she kept going like iām screaming at her for something thatās not her fault#it made me upset and we got into a fight and i was like i get ur tired but ur tired from CLEANING UR OWN MESS!!!!#THE HOUSE IS 100% YOUR FAULT!!!! iām tired bc i literally just got off work!!!!! i just came home to this#i sit in my car a while apologize but explain mom you need to let me have a reaction#like if you do something that effects someone else you need to let them have a reaction for a split second#and she was like hm. do you know i think ur scary and i have to walk on eggshells with you and you donāt respect me#iām like okay cool does the state of the house give me much to respec#and more fighting till sheās like stop talking stop talking stop talkin i donāt want to talk to you#did i lay down in my car and think about how much better my family would be if i never existed in the first place yes yes it was nice#granted itād be world without than oh wait no i am here and i canāt kill msyelf but even if i could itās not the same as not existing in#the first place i just think a lot of things would have gone better if i wasnāt there#also i just want to stop feeling bad and canāt feel bad if you never existed#but this encyclopedia fuckssdd
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#woof. if all goes to plan Tomorrow is the last day i have to take measurements forever. if all goes to plan. if all goes to plan. but im#not holding my breath bc thats asking for chaos. i think this week ive done a good job of not pushing it#in terms of not torturing myself and making myself insane. which is good bc its exhausting taking measurements with the ambient stress of#apartment hunting from across the country. ive toured 2 places from afar and applied to them. and im meeting with someone to talk abt#potentially being roommates tomorrow. which is terrifying bc i really just wanna beg them like pls pls like me so i can stop looking pls#like i have to rely on my charisma i guess when im a bit asocial and odd. not unlikable but idk maybe they want someone more normie idk#its exhausting. ive sent so many emails and so many places r like no u gotta physically visit. ugh#and i have to clean my whole apartment by Tuesday for my landlord to inspect bc i had to give them a 30 day notice or else they wouldn't#release my info for like referal on background checks. there should b flexibility in when i can leave tho. its just stressful#at least im doing this when im pretty stable and i stop taking measurements tomorrow but i haven't taken a break since last Saturday#and haven't really had time to properly draw which annoys me and apparently i wont get a break this weekend with all the cleaning i gotta do#but oh well. at least im better off than the other person i kno who is moving Tuesday across the country and currently doesnt have a place#to stay. so i guess theyre gonna b living out of their car for a while. im stressed enough a month out from leaving#sigh. im just v tired and my heart is beating too fast and i wanna start cleaning now but im sleepy#whenever we go sampling we joke that we have to make sacrifices to the weather gods for good conditions. i guess i gotta make sacrifices#to the housing gods š ugh. pls. i dont wanna still b doing this for another week when i wont have time bc ill actually have to focus on#things. ugh. cant wait to b in the future where i dont have to deal with this#unrelated
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#had a really rough mental health day bc i went thru the shit i bought and kept brand new for when i move out again#its still brand new and packed away and i feel like shit about it but its organized into one bin now#i watched the 2022 puss in boots and loved it and showered and im still feeling like crap#idk what i want to do rn nothing seems appealing i just want it to be tomorrow already so i can start over and do something else#i kinda wanna like... cozy down and watch saw since its been a while but like im probably gonna get too tired to finish#and what if the nostalgia just makes me feel worse yknow?#i wanna hashtag treat yoself but like my brain isnt making this easy i feel so horrible and such a failure#i cant even finish my therapy assignment of naming positive qualities ab myself bc all my positive qualities are driven by anxiety...#...or extreme as to make me feel alienated from the rest of society#whats an objectively positive trait in someone else is something that makes me weird and unlikeable and not normal#alright fuck it im gonna put on saw i need comfort pls be comforting rn i dont want to think about anything else#vent#personal#delete later / /
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I will say while I've loved most of elden ring I'm really glad I'm down to just 2 more main boss fights (malenia + maliketh) before I start the endgame boss fights... whew š®āšØ
#really gorgeous world but frankly its unnecessarily long. theyre gonna kill me for saying that but its true..#some areas/bosses just become overly repetitive when the game is THAT massive like its unavoidable#they tried rly hard to distinguish every area + honestly its a great effort but it couldve been half the size and just as good#like i just did the elphael ulcerative tree spirit bc i wanted to finish millicents questline. and come on man we didnt need another one#the design is sick + loooove the animation. but its a bad fight not bc of the difficulty but bc its janky as hell#lock on doesnt work properly bc of its size and the way it moves. u cant see shit on ur screen fighting them melee its just hack n slash#and theyre always in the most dogshit arenas possible for them like spaces w no maneuverability. its just not fuuuun#especially after youve fought 5 or 6 already earlier on in the game..#and its cool to have variations like the scarlet rot ones but we already HAD one of those just before lake of rot!! the gimmicks worn off#i did everything except maliketh in farum azula today as well and again. it didnt need to be that long. killing beastmen gets boring#after like the first 20 combat is just mashing buttons.. even the platforming is getting dull bc ive done 120 hours of it now#and theres only so many combinations of ladders and hallways and so on that u can possibly cram in here..#i say all this with fondness like i truly do love it. but it couldve been a lot tighter! regardless ill still 100% complete it#and i get most ppl dont try to get every single armament and talisman etc so they probably dont waste time FULLY exploring like i am#ahhh. anyway ill probably do malenia and maliketh tmr bc im right outside both of their arenas. and then call it quits this weekend#ill get my first ending next weekend probably... and hopefully by june ill have 100% and then i can play something else š#ik the dlc comes out in june but ill probably take a month or two break before i get to that#it doesnt even neeeed a dlc.......its excessive as it is just make a new game by this point ahhhhh#anyway its like 1am i need to SLEEP. i said i would go out to watch for northern lights but its overcast and im tired and my roommate#didnt wanna come with.. so i was gonna go to bed early instead but i guess that didnt happen lol#gonna feel like shit tomorrow bc i have to be up early to take my meds and she'll wake me up anyway.. but cross that bridge#typing is getting difficult bc im so sleepy okay goodnight everyone#.diaries
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i wish i wasn't so shy
#the bin#theres a party happening where i work tomorrow after close. i really like my coworkers but i cant make myself go#im so tired of being home alone all the time but :/ the coworker i dont like isnt even gonna be there so i wouldnt have to deal but :/#i just cant. i know at least most of my coworkers like me but. hhhh. the thought of going makes me super anxious#i dont know why it makes me so nervous. but the fact ill definitely have to see all these people again doesnt help bc if i seem weird its#a permanent fumble. until i move at least.#i can be normal in work settings because i dont HAVE to talk. i can focus on working and i think that actually makes people see me as very#professional. it certainly did at my last job. and where i work now im always tryna make sure if theres stuff to be done that im doing it#and asking. whenever theres nothing to do i feel so awkward and bored. a few of my coworkers are nice to talk to but we only talk bc they#have nobody to talk to. when its more than 1 other person then those 2 people usually talk to each other and i do nothing#idk. this sorta thing isnt the kind athing everyone likes doing but it feels like the kinda thing i would actually enjoy if i wasnt so shy#its weird to me that i was able to push past some of my social anxiety in order to get a job. but that only happened bc i was fully forced#to. and i procrastinated it quite a bit. i forced myself to deal with stuff previously so i could go to the store and that was the same case#i fully tan out of food and drink for 3 days before i finally forced myself to walk to the store out of pure necessity bc i HAD to#since the ppl i lived with refused to go to the store even tho i was out of food#and now i do those things fine. i get kinda anxious but its really fine#but i cant force myself to do other things. it sucks so much#well. it doesnt matter.
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my body hurts bro
#lower body and arms/shoulders#I went light on lifting today idk why I feel anything#tbf my arms are fine it's mostly my quads and maybe knees and calves a lil bit#legs are just tired from lots of moving today#I like feeling sore bc it shows that I did something#however I do not like all the tightness in my quads bc that gives me problems#tomorrow's weather looks so good for running but I think I'm gonna have to go easy#maybe just like a mile? at a light pace then like jog or speedwalk another mile or 2#I got plans in the morning anyways so I don't wanna take long#BUT walking takes longer than running so š¤ idk. I just want my quad to recover#Sera
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